No Consolation Prizes

You guys are so sweet!  Thanks for all the blog comments, Facebook comments, and private messages after the first part of this story posted.  

In case you aren’t already aware, it’s important to know that Josh and I have talked of our desire to adopt children since we were dating.  In fact, our plan was to foster/adopt our first child. We eventually realized that the timing of our move to NYC would keep us from completing the adoption process prior to leaving Alabama, so we began pursuing information about fostering and adopting in New York.  Still, we were many months away from having the NY residency that would allow us to begin that process.  The desire for a family (and the fact that my 30^th birthday was fast-approaching) led us to consider the possibility that our first child would be born, rather than adopted, into our family.

In fact, we told the fertility doctor at our very first visit that we weren’t desperate for a baby, that we knew we would be parents soon, whether through birth or adoption.  As the months passed and Clomid didn’t prove to be my Wonder Drug, I intentionally shifted my thoughts and emotions to becoming foster parents in NYC rather than conceiving a child.  I even told Josh that I believed the day I found out I was going to be a mother, it would come through a phone call from a social worker, not a positive pregnancy test.  I acknowledged to myself and others the possibility that I may never get to experience the womanly rite of passage that is pregnancy and child birth.  That possibility made me sad, and I knew I would always carry that sadness deep in my heart.  But the thing is, I’ve had other really disappointing things happen too, and I do carry that sadness in my heart still. But I also know that we live in a fallen world, and this is not the way it was meant to be.  And I can rejoice in anticipating the day when everything in this world will be made right.  I believe that our sadness and disappointment and unfulfilled longings are meant to remind us that this fallen life is a vapor and is quickly passing, and to cause our hearts to cry “Come quickly, Lord Jesus!”

(I think it’s important to note here that I know the privilege of mothering a child through adoption would certainly ease the ache that infertility left in my heart.  But I don’t think it’s as simple as thinking that once you are the mother of an adopted child, you forget all the longings to conceive a child.  Adopted children are not consolation prizes when God doesn’t allow you to conceive.  My heart desires that the Lord will create our family through both pregnancy and adoption.  Being pregnant now hasn’t made me stop thinking about adoption for the future, and I don’t think adopting a child would have made me forget my sorrow over infertility.  Call me spoiled, but I want to be a mother to both, and I don’t think it’s accurate to think that God answering half of my prayer for children would have made me stop praying the other half.  Please know that I’m not in any way saying that the love a mother has for the child she births is any greater than her love for the child she adopts.  End rabbit trail…)

I was quite proud of the emotional progress I had made in a year.  No more sobbing in my pillow.  No more obsessive testing days before it would even be possible to get a positive pregnancy test.  No more vivid dreams about finally seeing two lines appear.  So when the doctor laid out a plan that involved more intense fertility treatments in NYC, it didn’t take long for Josh and I to realize that wasn’t the path the Lord intended for us.  I told Josh that I didn’t want to pursue any more fertility treatments once we were in NY.  In my mind, when we closed the door in Birmingham, we would be closing the door of all things fertility-related as well.  We had a lot waiting for us in New York, and fertility concerns were something I intended to leave in Birmingham.  We had given it six months; we would always know we tried; and, still lacking any medical explanation, we knew it was still technically a possibility that could surprise us at any time.  In the meantime, we were moving in a few weeks and would begin the foster care process ASAP.

We finished our “last” month on Clomid, and I returned for one final visit to the fertility doctor the week after Thanksgiving…

A Really Honest Blog Post

Many thanks to everyone who has congratulated and wished us well on our “great expectation.”  We are thrilled, and also a little apprehensive about raising a child in this city.  Your prayers are much appreciated!

I’m almost through the first trimester, and, to be honest, it has been a challenging couple of months.  Sheer exhaustion has led me to set a daily goal to “Accomplish one thing.”  Some days the one thing is making dinner or cleaning the bathroom, but some days the only thing I accomplish is not throwing up.  Thankfully, the symptoms have definitely lessened over the last week, and we’re praying that trend continues as I bid the first trimester goodbye and welcome the second trimester with an enthusiastic hug!

I mentioned in this post that I was on a bit of an emotional roller coaster with some non-NYC issues in my life.  Most of our close friends are aware that Josh and I longed for this pregnancy for more than a year before the Lord saw fit to grant it to us.  I recently posted this picture and caption on Facebook:

 A New York souvenir for our little Alabama souvenir

The truth is: I secretly purchased that little Yankees hat on one of our first trips to the city.  We had just started trying to conceive, and I thought it would be the perfect gift to give Josh when I told him we were pregnant.  I had no idea how long it would sit in the back of my closet before it ever got to see the light of day again.

Our struggle with infertility wasn’t much of a surprise.  After all, my crazy body has left more than one doctor scratching his head, completely dumbfounded by one bizarre symptom or another.  But not being surprised by infertility doesn’t take away the intense hurt and disappointment.  There were some dark days in those first few months as I came to the reality that this wasn’t going to “just happen.”  

But those were also some really enlightening days.  I learned the painful truth about the idolatry of my heart and my childish sense of entitlement.  I also developed a better understanding of how my Father loves me because of the way Josh loved me during that time.  Without fail (and he would say “only by the grace of God”), Josh always knew exactly how I needed him to respond during my moments of grief.  There were plenty of times that all I wanted to do was curl up in our bed and sob.  Sometimes, especially initially, Josh would curl up with me and pray aloud for me or quote Scripture over me.  Other times, he would lovingly tell me that I would be getting up now.  This pity party was over.  But every time, whatever his response, it was exactly what I needed.  I’m so grateful for a husband who loves me as Christ loves His Church!

By May 2011 Josh and I were in agreement that it was time to start seeking some medical help to conceive a child.  My OBGYN had been asking for months if I’d like a prescription for Clomid, so a quick phone call and trip to the pharmacy later, I had my first round of fertility drugs in hand.  I finished my teaching contract at the end of that month and started taking Clomid the following week.

That month did not result in a pregnancy, and I was knocked back to Square One emotionally.  I really had high hopes that Clomid was the answer for us, one month was all it would take, and Voila!, we’d be pregnant.  That didn’t happen; I was devastated, which forced me to ask myself whether I was trusting in the Lord or a fertility drug to give me the child I wanted.

We completed two more months on Clomid before deciding we needed more in depth answers than what we were getting from my OBGYN.  We began seeing a fertility specialist in early September.  We underwent extensive testing, only to have every test come back completely normal.  The fertility doctor agreed that Clomid was the best option for us at this point, so we continued with it for two more months.  During an appointment with the doctor at the end of October, we talked about our options for the future.  He explained that the treatment protocol for Clomid is for the duration of 6 months.  Ninety percent of women who ever get pregnant on Clomid do so within 6 months, so the general thought is that after 6 months it’s time to move on to something else, namely in vitro or higher dosage injectable drugs.  He laid out the plan: take one more month of Clomid to complete the 6 months, move to NY and transfer to an associate of his in the city, possibly some laparoscopic surgery, begin higher dosage drugs.

Josh and I discussed it that evening and decided that the plan the doctor had detailed was not the plan for us.  Instead we formulated a plan of our own…

NYC Newsletter #9

Greetings from NYC, where it was a balmy 63 degrees today!  We have had an exciting first month here in NYC and wanted to try to share a few of the things that God has been doing over our short time here: First, as many of you are already aware, we recently found out that we are expecting our first child!  We are so thankful that the Lord has heard our prayers.  Please pray for Traci as she deals with the physical adjustment to carrying a child as well as the adjustment to life here in NYC.  Pray that the Lord would prepare us to raise this child well for His glory. I have been meeting with and learning from pastors and church planters from all over NYC.  It is absolutely amazing to see what God is doing in this city.  This past Friday evening, we gathered together with over 700 other believers in Manhattan to unite our hearts and voices in worship and to cry out for God's Kingdom to come in New York as it is in heaven.  It was pretty astounding to see hundreds of New Yorkers, many of them in the 20's and 30's, devoting a Friday evening to turn away from the fool's gold that is offered them in this city to seek the immeasurable treasure that is Christ Himself.  One of the other pastors who planned the event captured a shot of us all joining hands in prayer at the end of the night: To follow up on this last point, I am tremendously grateful for the other pastors that I have met here in the city.  I meet with a group of pastors and church leaders to pray every Wednesday at noon.  I have never seen such Kingdom-minded unity and lack of territorialism in all my life.  Please pray for these brothers and the ministries that they lead.  Pray that God would advance the gospel through them and pray that we would continue to be united around that gospel. Specifically, we would ask you to pray that the churches of NYC would have places to meet.  There are over 60 churches presently meeting in public schools in NYC.  If a current court ruling is permitted to stand, all of these churches will be evicted from their meeting spaces on February 12.  Some of these churches have found other meeting spaces, but I talked to a couple of pastors today who are still looking for space.  This is a lengthy discussion that I will probably write more about at another time  However, I would commend to you this article written by my friend John Starke, who pastors All Souls Church on the Upper West Side.  As you pray, pray with confidence, remembering that Jesus Christ has promised to build his church and the gates of Hades will not prevail against it (Mt. 16:18). How can you pray specifically for us over the next month? We continue to feel more and more in need of God's grace each and every day.  And yet, we are confident that our God is All-Powerful, and All-Wise, and All-Good.  Here are some ways that you can pray for us this month: Pray that we continue to develop deep, meaningful relationships with our neighbors.  We continue to meet people in our immediate neighborhood and in the broader community, but we are asking God to give us deeper friendships with people.  Pray that God would give us opportunities to display and declare the gospel of Jesus Christ.  Pray also that we would be faithful to live the kind of lives that cause people to ask a reason for the hope that is within us (1 Pet. 3:15). Pray that we would continue to develop relationships...and possibly partnerships...with other churches and church planters in NYC.  As I mentioned above, one of the things that we love about NYC is the ethos of unity and Kingdom-mindedness that pervades the gospel-preaching churches in this city.  Pray that God would create more and more opportunities for us to work with these other churches for the advancement of the gospel. Pray for "persons of peace."  In Luke 10, Jesus sends his disciples out to proclaim the Kingdom of God.  If a "son of peace" received them, they were to stay and invest in that person, but if not, they were to move on (Lk. 10:6-7).  When Paul proclaimed the gospel in Philippi (Acts 16), we find that the the Holy Spirit led him to both a "daughter of peace" (Lydia) and a "son of peace" (the Philippian jailer).  Both Lydia and the jailer not only became converts, but immediately used their networks of relationships to spread the gospel to others.  Likewise, we are asking the Lord to lead us to men and women of peace, to "open their hearts" to the gospel (Acts 16:14), to use us to invest in them, and to send them out into their spheres of influence for the advancement of the gospel. Pray for a core team.  Most church planters will tell you that a "parachute plant"--going into an area and attempting to plant by yourself is REALLY difficult.  We are beginning to realize why they say that.  The harvest here in Astoria is plentiful, but the laborers are few.  So, please pray that the Lord of the harvest sends laborers into His harvest (Mt. 9:37-38).  Pray specifically for those who believe that God is calling them to join us here, but who are still looking for jobs.  Pray that the Lord would provide the resources for them to relocate to Astoria.  Pray also that the Lord would raise up other believers from churches around the country and from here in NYC to join us to take the gospel to this largely un-churched neighborhood. In addition, please remember to pray for these ongoing requests: Pray for our personal holiness and faithfulness to the gospel Pray that we would have wisdom to know how to lead well   Pray that God might open door for the gospel and that we might proclaim it boldly, as we ought (Col. 4:2-4) Pray that God would provide the necessary financial resources for our ministry expenses Some of you have already given generously, and others have asked about how you can partner with us financially. Currently, our sending church, The Church at Brook Hills, is handling all financial donations.  If God is leading you to give, you can do so by mailing your tax-deductible gift to:             The Church at Brook Hills             Attn: Jean Adams             3145 Brook Highland Parkway             Birmingham, AL 35242 Please make checks payable to The Church at Brook Hillsand designate your gifts by writing “Northeast Church Plant” in the memo line.  If you would like to see our prospective budget, please contact us. Thank you for taking the time to read this e-mail.  We cannot express to you how valuable your prayers are to us. Blessings in Christ, josh and traci "Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, now and forever. Amen" (Eph. 3:20-21)