Many thanks to everyone who has congratulated and wished us well on our “great expectation.” We are thrilled, and also a little apprehensive about raising a child in this city. Your prayers are much appreciated!
I’m almost through the first trimester, and, to be honest, it has been a challenging couple of months. Sheer exhaustion has led me to set a daily goal to “Accomplish one thing.” Some days the one thing is making dinner or cleaning the bathroom, but some days the only thing I accomplish is not throwing up. Thankfully, the symptoms have definitely lessened over the last week, and we’re praying that trend continues as I bid the first trimester goodbye and welcome the second trimester with an enthusiastic hug!
I mentioned in this post that I was on a bit of an emotional roller coaster with some non-NYC issues in my life. Most of our close friends are aware that Josh and I longed for this pregnancy for more than a year before the Lord saw fit to grant it to us. I recently posted this picture and caption on Facebook:
The truth is: I secretly purchased that little Yankees hat on one of our first trips to the city. We had just started trying to conceive, and I thought it would be the perfect gift to give Josh when I told him we were pregnant. I had no idea how long it would sit in the back of my closet before it ever got to see the light of day again.
Our struggle with infertility wasn’t much of a surprise. After all, my crazy body has left more than one doctor scratching his head, completely dumbfounded by one bizarre symptom or another. But not being surprised by infertility doesn’t take away the intense hurt and disappointment. There were some dark days in those first few months as I came to the reality that this wasn’t going to “just happen.”
But those were also some really enlightening days. I learned the painful truth about the idolatry of my heart and my childish sense of entitlement. I also developed a better understanding of how my Father loves me because of the way Josh loved me during that time. Without fail (and he would say “only by the grace of God”), Josh always knew exactly how I needed him to respond during my moments of grief. There were plenty of times that all I wanted to do was curl up in our bed and sob. Sometimes, especially initially, Josh would curl up with me and pray aloud for me or quote Scripture over me. Other times, he would lovingly tell me that I would be getting up now. This pity party was over. But every time, whatever his response, it was exactly what I needed. I’m so grateful for a husband who loves me as Christ loves His Church!
By May 2011 Josh and I were in agreement that it was time to start seeking some medical help to conceive a child. My OBGYN had been asking for months if I’d like a prescription for Clomid, so a quick phone call and trip to the pharmacy later, I had my first round of fertility drugs in hand. I finished my teaching contract at the end of that month and started taking Clomid the following week.
That month did not result in a pregnancy, and I was knocked back to Square One emotionally. I really had high hopes that Clomid was the answer for us, one month was all it would take, and Voila!, we’d be pregnant. That didn’t happen; I was devastated, which forced me to ask myself whether I was trusting in the Lord or a fertility drug to give me the child I wanted.
We completed two more months on Clomid before deciding we needed more in depth answers than what we were getting from my OBGYN. We began seeing a fertility specialist in early September. We underwent extensive testing, only to have every test come back completely normal. The fertility doctor agreed that Clomid was the best option for us at this point, so we continued with it for two more months. During an appointment with the doctor at the end of October, we talked about our options for the future. He explained that the treatment protocol for Clomid is for the duration of 6 months. Ninety percent of women who ever get pregnant on Clomid do so within 6 months, so the general thought is that after 6 months it’s time to move on to something else, namely in vitro or higher dosage injectable drugs. He laid out the plan: take one more month of Clomid to complete the 6 months, move to NY and transfer to an associate of his in the city, possibly some laparoscopic surgery, begin higher dosage drugs.
Josh and I discussed it that evening and decided that the plan the doctor had detailed was not the plan for us. Instead we formulated a plan of our own…
Oh, I'm glad you're writing this down. And I know the bittersweet-ness of that little baby thing tucked away while you sorrow and wait. Ours was a stuffed elephant. We still have it. Praying for you regularly and so glad you're feeling better! Hugs!
ReplyDeleteSo encouraging to read this. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteIt is amazing to see how many people infertility actually touches. After 5 years of docs and treatment God saw for that invitro was the way we would start out family. Not a path we would have chosen or ever saw as part of our plan, but our blessing is now 4 months old.
ReplyDeleteCherish every moment of the pregnancy. It goes by so fast!